A few things I have learned, sometimes the hard way, about resolving relational conflict:

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Recognize that time is short and none of us are promised tomorrow. Avoiding the person is not the same as reconciling. Stubbornly ignoring the problem could result in never getting back to a healthy relationship if we won’t take steps now. 🌿

“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart…” Hebrews 3:15 

Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Is it possible that in their shoes, you’d feel the same way? Have you considered how they arrived at their conclusion? Was a word misspoken or an action misunderstood? Communication is key, and simple clarification may resolve the entire thing. 🌿

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility and patience.” Colossians 3:12

We must not squander the gift of being able to ask God to help us. He longs for us to come to Him- He doesn’t want us languishing in broken relationships, and He alone can touch hearts. The first step we take should be that of getting down on our knees to send prayers up to God asking Him to do what only He can: soften our heart as well as the other person’s, asking His favor, grace and healing. 🌿

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” I John 5:14 

Sometimes conflict is the result from being treated unfairly. Is there any lesson to be learned by going through an unjust hurt or trial? I believe so- it helps emphasize our own sin before a perfect and Holy God. It also can be a vehicle to build a deeper trust in God as we wait for Him to work on our behalf. 🌿

“Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the Lord and he will deliver you.” Proverbs 20:22

Recognize that we all have different perspectives and opinions. Non-essentials like preferences should not take precedence over unity, especially between followers of Christ. 🌿

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” Psalm 133:1

If the conflict is between a believer in Christ and a non-believer, we cannot expect them to hold to our same beliefs. Pray for their salvation, knowing that the work of the Holy Spirit alone can adequately convict a person’s heart. 🌿

“The god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” 2 Corinthians 4:4 

Believe the best about the other person. They’re not in our life for nothing. We all have redeeming qualities, as well as weaknesses. Choose not to fixate on their faults, just as we hope they don’t fixate on ours. 🌿

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” – Proverbs 19:11 

If at all possible, meet in person. Going the extra mile to meet face to face reflects a heart that is eager to seek reconciliation. Texting and phone calls don’t allow the mutual benefit of reading body language and expression, which can go far in helping convey not only repentance, but also sincerity and forgiveness. We cannot underestimate the ability to offer physical signs of affection. Hugs and handshakes offer their own powerful form of healing. 🌿. 

“So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20 

Don’t deviate from the main point of the disagreement. Bringing up old hurts that have been dealt with will only cause more damage. Keep the past in the past and your eyes on the task in front of you: resolving the problem before the chasm between you grows. 🌿

“As much as it lies within you, be at peace with all men.” Romans 12:18

Own our part in the problem and leave room to admit it if we were wrong. Be willing to move into the space of humility and pray that the other person’s heart softens in response. 🌿

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves…” Philippians 2:1-3 

Be eager to embrace the gift of apology. Being a Peacemaker is a beautiful thing in God’s sight. Even if the bulk of the fault lies with the other person, it will not hurt us to be the first to move toward apologizing and reconciliation; in fact, we will be blessed for doing so. 🌿

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9 

Forgiveness is crucial. Do not dwell on what has been resolved. Move forward, grateful to have it behind you, and eager to look for ways to show evidence of a forgiving spirit. 🌿

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if anyone has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13 

Nurture what has been newly planted with care and tenderness. If a relationship has suffered, lavish it with gentleness and love, not allowing it to fall into disrepair again. 🌿

“Be kind one to another, tenderhearted and forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32

If the other person refuses to reconcile, accept it with graciousness, recognizing that such undemanding kindness may pave the way for a future day. Let them know you will patiently wait for them to be ready. Pray for them. Don’t speak poorly of them. Don’t grow bitter. Use the time while waiting to prepare for the day that hopefully they’ll be ready to talk. Show love and respect, and trust that God will work out the details in His time and His way. 🌿

“A hot tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” Proverbs 15:18

 

Dear Lord, give us teachable hearts, and a commitment to do what is right. Generously pour on us a compassion for those that are also walking this journey of life. May we spill over with forgiveness since we ourselves have been forgiven much. Help us stay steady in trial, hopeful in hurt and anchored in our trust of You and Your plan for our lives. In the matchless name of Jesus, I pray, Amen 🌿🙏🏻

 

 

 

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The Fruit of the Spirit in Action

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In this red-hot environment of political debate, both “sides” have fallen into pits of self-righteous indignation, having ‘clays of opinion’ that quickly harden, without allowing outside thoughts to permeate that might soften the jagged edges that have formed.

The subject matters are more numerous than there are Olympic sports; stretching from Immigration, Abortion, Taxation to National defense, Cabinet picks, Supreme Court justices and beyond. Everything’s up for battle.

The methods of dissemination vary as well: protests, arguments via volatile comment threads, op-ends, Facebook posts, Twitter jabs, late night TV skits, University rallies and, far too rarely, discussions over cups of coffee. (Best not choose Starbucks for now)

Worn and stale labels are slung like so many horseshoes, each side hoping for a ringer, while both are guilty of assumptions of understanding, without actually communicating anything fresh.

But the truth is, no one understands fully the vast majority of the problems that beset us. The issues have become far too complex and complicated; cloaked in controversiality and beyond human reasoning.

Oh sure- I can say that I stand on God’s standard when I stand against such a thing as abortion. (And frankly, I do believe that). But my friend, with equal claim to the grace of God through the blood of Christ, stands just as adamantly for the legitimacy of organizations such as Black Lives Matter, citing past wrongs that caused the formation of such a group to begin with.

Who is “right”, and who is “wrong”? And who gets to decide? And what to do with the umpteen other topics, some that intertwine like bowls of spaghetti, confusing and chaotic? On principle I believe we all have the right to our opinions on many matters if based on the framework of God’s Word. But where does that get us as far as actually persuading anyone?

Certainly I would like to think that every human being could agree that a recent example, a woman, a teacher of pre-schoolers, no less, who was recorded screaming racial epithets and demanding that “all white people give up their @!$& homes and money and give it to black people now!” would be unanimously given a thumbs down. That it wasn’t is highly disturbing, and a clear sign of our times.

The fighter in me wants to insist that “the liberals had 8 years of policies enacted that conservatives had to cope with, and it’s our turn to show them the wonderful good that conservative principles can do for all, if only given a chance.” However, that just inflames the already heated atmosphere.

The weary part of me wants to pass along non-controversial pictures of funny pets and dinner recipes, and hide away from the raging debates. But if Christians won’t engage in the public discussions, are we ceding our voice of reason, and the ability to fight against our nation’s cultural and moral decay? Passivity and apathy are avenues to usher in tragedy, as seen in plenty of world horrors where good people did nothing to fight evil.

But, I wonder if there is another option?

One that invites differing opinions to be heard in an arena of open, respectful discussion; where labels are prohibited (as well as name calling and nasty language). Where thoughts are presented, with the underlying belief that everyone participating has our nation’s best interests at heart, and that one’s allegiance to and love of Jesus Christ isn’t debated, even if perspectives might be challenged, with kindness and cordiality.

That such a board of banter and thought, diverse yet fraught with – dare I say it?: Love, could exist, gives my heart a tug of hopefulness.

Perhaps, by adding a “water” such as Love to our clay, our opinions may form more gently, giving a chance to smooth those jagged edges away with which we have been slashing at one another, preventing the cuts that wound deeply, and instead, helping one another arrive at conclusions based on truth, justice, respect and love, as well as a willingness to wait patiently and prayerfully for one another as we walk this journey of life together. In fact, evidencing the fruit of lives that are controlled by the Holy Spirit –  of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

In this age of rages and rants and rampages, imagine how much better it would be, how mutually beneficial and edifying (let alone, providing a model for our children!) to come up with a better way to conduct public discourse that is solidly built on a platform of respect, kindness and love.

Is it possible? I don’t know… but I am willing to try it and see.
I Corinthians 13:1-13

What do you think? Let’s talk – you know – between friends.

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Forgiven

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Once in awhile, I find myself saying things that dismay me. It shouldn’t be that hard – after all, I am the gatekeeper to my own mouth, right? So how can any words sneak past my lips, that I flinch about too late?

Recently I had that experience – the words were barely off my tongue when I was already regretting them – but, they were too late to take back, and no handy excuse could possibly explain my plain-out rudeness…and it troubled me. In fact, not only did the conviction of my ungracious words haunt me for the rest of the day, they prevented me from sleeping soundly that night.  The next morning, I knew I needed to “make things right” before I did anything else.

I composed an email to the people I had carelessly offended, and did not try to hide behind any excuses because, well, there simply weren’t any. I confessed my rude behavior and told them I was so sorry, humbly asking their forgiveness.  And the guilt started to lift.

I eagerly checked my inbox for their response, praying they would offer me the grace I didn’t deserve, but so desperately needed. When their reply came, it was exactly what a Christ-follower’s words should be: Kind and seasoned with gentleness and compassion. Tremendous relief flooded my heart!

Forgiven! Is there any greater word in the English language than that? It is what God offers all of us sinners who repent and confess our sin to Him, embracing the gift of Jesus for our forgiveness and salvation.

It is what we need to extend to one another when we offend one another. And it gives a palpable relief when it is offered and accepted.

We are reminded in Ephesians 4:1-3, “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” and 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I am so thankful for the work of the Holy Spirit; He guides me, convicting me of my ugly sin when necessary, and helping me do the things I know I ought to do… and what a wonderful feeling when we obey His gentle prodding in our hearts! Freedom from guilt and worry, and freedom to carry on in our calling to follow Jesus, not perfectly, but growingly.

Is there anyone in your life that you need to ask forgiveness from? It is a wonderful feeling when we confess our offenses, seeking forgiveness from those we have hurt. Has someone hurt you and asked your forgiveness and perhaps you’ve resisted offering it, preferring instead to hold them hostage to the guilt they carry? God asks us to forgive as we have been forgiven – freely, quickly, and in all things.

This life isn’t always easy. There are many blocks to stumble over; but God has made a way for us to get back on the right path, following Him. That is where Victory is. Let’s spur one another on to love and forgiveness. And let’s talk…you know – between friends.

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Choosing the Better way

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It’s that time of year again: a flurry of graduation notices nestle in mailboxes, tassels are ordered, gowns prepped, excitement at what lies just around the corner fills the air… I remember the day our firstborn was graduating from High School. It was a hectic day, with lots going on. She brought me her blue gown, “Mom, could you please iron this? It has some wrinkles on the front.”  I took it, hesitatingly. My skill sets do not include using a hot iron. “Um, honey. Are you sure we can’t just sort of shake them out?” I looked hopefully at her. She laughed. “Mom, it just needs a couple passes with the iron. I would do it, but I have to finish getting ready. Thank you!” She gave me a peck on the cheek and dashed back upstairs. I sighed. “Ok, let’s get this done.”

I followed everything I knew about ironing: plug in the machine and let it get hot. That was the extent of my knowledge on the subject. As it heated, I started humming, excited for the day. I spread the blue material out on the counter, and lay the iron over the worst of the offending wrinkles, pressing lightly and quickly. To my utter horror, a hole appeared in the delicate fabric – it had melted right through it! What had I done!?

“Oh no!” I cried out. Mark and our four other children gathered around to see the damage, as Hannah also ran into the room. “What’s wrong?” “Oh honey, I can’t believe this! Look! Oh Hannah, I’m so sorry! What are we going to do?!” I wrung my hands, tears streaming down my face, as I held the ruined gown, showing them the hole, the size of a giant strawberry, right on the front panel in plain sight for all to see. I was devastated. I had ruined not only the gown, but the Day. The day that was supposed to be filled with promise and hope, excitement and laughter, beauty ~ and lots of pictures. And now, all of that was going to be ruined – just because of my ineptitude. Tears didn’t fully convey the pain in my heart as I held out the evidence of my inadequacies to my daughter. I waited for her to cry in dismay, too, but instead, she took the gown and set it on the counter. She gave me a hug and gently assured me, “Mom, it’s ok. Please don’t worry about this. I can still wear it – it’s not the end of the world.”

What? It would be ok? How?? Hadn’t I ruined all chance of that with my carelessness? She hugged me again, “I love you. And this doesn’t matter. It’s just a gown. I’m still graduating, right? It’s all ok.”

Her sweet words of encouragement hit the intended target, as I dried my tears.

I remember feeling such pride in our girl that day. Not only for her achievements in finishing well her scholastic goals; but even more, for her sweet, gentle expression of forgiveness and love when I truly needed to hear it.

Her response reminds me of the verses in I Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

I doubt that too many people noticed the hole in her gown that day, but I sure did. And I teared up with joy at her God-honoring response as she crossed the stage to receive her diploma, radiant and lovely.

The following year, our second daughter was graduating. I offered to buy her a new gown to replace the one with the hole in it. Abby smiled, “That’s ok, Mom. I kind of want to use that one. It has a special meaning now, you know?” Oh my! Really? Tears filled my eyes as she hugged me. Talk about the gift of encouragement!

This year, our third beautiful girl is graduating. I assured her that it wouldn’t be wrong to purchase a new gown, but she too has opted to use the “special gown” over replacing it with a new one. It’s almost become a badge of honor. May I tell you what a joy it is to this mama’s heart to see that my daughters are all choosing to place more emphasis on the day than the accouterments of it? Each time I see that gown, I think of the road that we could have headed down, full of anger and frustration, bitterness at broken dreams… but instead, it has become a symbol of a better way that was chosen: letting go of all insult and offense, and replacing it with love and forgiveness.

If you’re blessed to see our daughter Lydia stride across the stage to receive her diploma in just a few weeks, you may notice a gaping hole on the front panel of her gown. Now that you know the story behind it, I pray that you are blessed and that you smile a bit, as you’ll surely see me doing.

Do you have a story to share of a time when you, or someone in your life chose a better way, that had ripple effects of blessing?  I encourage you to share it… Let’s talk…you know – between friends. 🙂

 

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